Good Golly Miss Molly

May 4, 2014 by Rob

The Big 5’s first rehearsals today along with Denmark. Germany is up first and Elaiza is much as it was in the German national final, only without the plucky underdog narrative and anti-Unheilig vote that helped propel them to victory there. The accordion at the start of this song could be a real turn off to vast swathes of viewers, and it looks and sounds totally uninspiring throughout. All too pedestrian.

Much excitement and anticipation ahead of Molly’s first rehearsal for the UK.  Molly stands in a Zen-like pose with palms held outstretched at song start – very much earth mother, like she is trying to find her tantric centre. No doubt she will have the paganistic dress and look come the grand final.

Chinese lanterns are a very nice lighting effect on the ‘we’re shining like diamonds’ line of the song, aka, the bridge, as is the overhead shot of a white thistle motif on the stage floor. Four backing singers, two on either side of the drummer. Molly is more vocally assured on each run through and she gets the pyro curtain at the climax. Hmm…? That is a winner’s clothes piece of staging.

Twin Twin needs work, to put it politely. The bright flashing images that form the backdrop for this could induce epilepsy. The band members manage to get in each other’s way, far too many wide angle shots and not enough close ups, but let’s not forget this is first rehearsal so time yet to pull it all together.

It’s a little known fact that Twin Twin’s seemingly frivolous-sounding party tune ‘Moustache’ is, in truth, a clever commentary on our unquenchable materialistic desires which, rather than offering us any form of lasting satisfaction, are thinly concealing the spiritual void of our existence.

‘Something’s missing, but what could it be?
I want this, I want that
I dream in dollars when I sleep
I wear new threads every day
It’s all beautiful, it’s all new
I’ve got the world crying out the window
But I don’t care, I live on the top floor
I don’t even know my own cleaning lady!’

You wonder if their inspiration for the lyrics came from reading Oliver James’s ‘Affluenza’. Interesting to compare and contrast the lyrics with Denmark that follows.

‘Yeah, boom-boom-boom
When she walked in the room
Even girls, they whistle
I know, it’s hard to get her
She’s a special girl
Ooh

‘It feels like
Skuba duba dubda dididay
Skuba duba dubda dididay, I love you
Another cliché baby’

To suggest there was any inspiration behind this steaming turd of a song from Denmark is surely being polite. Listening to Basim’s banal words after Twin Twin’s quirky take on our existential angst is like a transition from Sartre to Nietzsche. Allow the full horror of Cliche Love Song’s lyrical futility to penetrate your soul and you really do end up staring into the musical abyss.

‘And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you’. Nietzsche.

On the stage that is Eurovision, no attention will be made to any of this, of course, and Denmark could yet go close to winning this year. However, Basim’s vocal is extremely squeaky – in fact, he is like a human chipmunk up there. You can only assume a similar adverse reaction among others.

What we see today isn’t nearly as polished as the Danish national final, and doesn’t work so well on the vast stage. On final run through a big flag of Basim’s face with the word ‘Love’ on it is unfurled. If there isn’t a collective chunder Europe-wide that causes sea-levels to rise globally at this point it would be surprising. Is this staging espionage? Just putting it out there…

Brief interlude for this year’s conspiracy theory: the Big 5 will draw 1st half or 2nd half in their press conferences after 2nd rehearsals on Tuesday and the order they pick, based on rehearsal order, will be: Germany, UK, France, Italy, Spain. So… Germany will be lumbered with a 1st half draw, leaving two 2nd half lots and 2 1st half lots (as Denmark already has a 2nd half draw).

The UK will then pull out a 2nd half draw – a moment some around here will liken to Emmelie’s draw last year. Not entirely sure how they will do this but my guess is, when the perspex bowl arrives with supposedly a mix of first half and second half lots to choose from they will all be 1st half lots for Elaiza, and all 2nd half lots for Molly.

The remaining 3 lots are not so important, though France got a 1st half draw last year so the EBU might show them some mercy and give them a 2nd half draw this year, especially after Amandine was given the coffin slot, and Twin Twin could be the ideal show-closer in 26. But Spain got a 1st half draw last year too so maybe Ruth will get the 2nd half draw at France’s expense.

Regardless, prepare for a breaking ESC news story of a deranged fan being dragged away by security during Molly’s press conference after attempting a Jimmy Jump-style invasion and making a grab for the perspex bowl to prove this conspiracy to be true.

Emma is this year’s rock chick and she brings plenty of attitude to the stage. Like the backdrop for Italy – a palette of yellow and white images predominantly and artwork straight out of an Andy Warhol collection. Her band are all dressed in white looking like actors from A Clockwork Orange. She strolls out to the end of the catwalk, then crawls back on her hands and knees at one point. Not so sure about this part of the song. At least this rock tune has a chance to stand out this year.

Blue strobe lighting for Ruth looking like, you guessed it, falling rain throughout this. Splashing rain drops from overhead camera and seen on stage floor. Basically, it is a wonder Ruth isn’t drenched after this presentation as it is wetter than an otter’s pocket. Ruth’s vocal warms up through the 4 run throughs but her vocal is by no means watertight, pardon the pun. The staging for this works well to be fair. Granted a late draw this could yet surprise.

So, the serious business starts tomorrow with the 1st dress rehearsal for semi 1 starting at 3pm local and the jury performance (aka 2nd dress rehearsal) starting at 9pm local time, so 8pm in the UK. And @ferrisdayoff will at last be joining the ESC 2014 Twitter mob Tweeting my thoughts throughout that key jury performance.

Today’s advice: no bet